My site’s glorious title, Cyborg Ape, comes from a pile of ludicrous cartoons I drew in high school.
I used any excuse to draw a cartoon at any time. In the ninth-grade, I had to design a make-believe business as a group project. For lack of any non-idiotic ideas, we decided to enter the market in extra-terrestrial investigation, naming our startup ‘The UFO Patrol’. The snazzy graphics were the bulk of the “work” I put into it.
And this is my rendition of a goofy French teenager we saw in a video. I am deeply sorry to any French teenagers who take this offensively. It’s not you.
(Challenge: Can you draw someone more hyperbolically happy than this?)
I often drew between classes, at lunch or any other free moment during the school day. Check out this next alien-themed masterpiece. An unfortunate newborn is chosen by a pair of extra-terrestrial scientists as a specimen for human experiments.
The researchers attempt to communicate with the earthling, which their hypothesis had assumed would have an advanced intellect.
Disappointed with the obvious conclusion, they eject the baby out into deep space.
I did not intend for my pregnant teacher to see this, but she looked out of curiosity. Apparently not seeing the humor, she asked why I couldn’t put this much time and effort into schoolwork. Isn’t the answer obvious? This was my escape.
Alternate ending: The baby whips out his bottle, which the aliens perceive as a weapon that projects a deadly chemical substance.
With the ship now vacant, the baby zooms off to start a life of space exploration, leaving two queer little aliens stranded on Earth. “It has commandeered our vessel,” one of them says.
There was a girl in school named Melissa. I’d had a crush on her for almost a year before I even worked up the courage to talk to her. I finally made myself do it, and amazingly I managed to make friends with her. Still, I didn’t have the nerve to ask her out. I just didn’t think I had a chance of getting with her!
Then one day, by complete surprise, my friends told me they’d had a conversation with Melissa. Apparently they sat down with her after school and said, “The reason we wanted to talk to you, Melissa, is that Evan doesn’t have the balls to ask you out himself.” I felt a sharp pain of anxiety in my chest as they told me about this. I would never have let them do it if they’d asked my permission. But it worked – Melissa enthusiastically agreed to go out with me, and it quickly developed into a relationship.
The first month of it seemed like heaven. We went everywhere and did everything together, gave each other things… but I must have been blinded by my feelings because it turns out I didn’t know much about Melissa in the first place.
Things started going downhill when she began accusing me of seeing other girls. As smart and pretty as she is, Melissa is a bit insecure. She just couldn’t understand that I have other friends who are girls, but who are just friends! I never even thought about cheating on her, but she was constantly suspicious. So she started getting really clingy, never leaving me alone and texting me all the time asking what I was doing.
Needless to say, this took the charm out of our relationship. I knew I had to break up with Melissa, but it was going to be a tough conversation to have. I thought I would try to discuss our problems and hopefully make a mutual decision to end our relationship, but she was shocked when I even brought up the question. She started crying and throwing a fit, saying “I can’t believe you’re dumping me!” I’d never seen her act that way. I tried to calm her down and explain, but it was impossible. So I ended up just telling her that I need my personal space and that we should spend some time apart. Still, I don’t think she understood, and I felt kind of bad about it.
So I thought I’d give her a few days to calm down and then talk to her again, but it turns out this girl was even more obsessed with me than I could possibly have realized.
A week later, our conversation was still playing itself over in my dreams. I felt bad about upsetting her, since her only problem was that she liked me too much. I was looking forward to talking to her again soon.
Then, one night at about 3am, I woke up suddenly to the sound of heavy breathing. In a moment of shock, I opened my eyes and saw Melissa standing over me on my bed with a sledgehammer and a crazy look in her eyes. “Melissa? … Uh… What are you doing?” I said weakly, shaking in fear. In response she screamed, “Evan, if I can’t have you, NO ONE CAAAN!!!!” and she swung the hammer behind her back and high over her head. I reacted in panic, jerking my body to the left. The hammer came down and slammed the mattress right were my head had been, breaking the board underneath. She’d missed me, but she still had me trapped under her and I couldn’t move.
I don’t remember what happened next because I fainted. But apparently my German shepherd heard the noise, ran in and attacked Melissa viciously. She had to go to the emergency room before they arrested her, but she’s doing better now. They’re taking good care of her at the psychiatric ward, though they’ve asked me to stop visiting because they don’t think it’s good for her.